Guess Who's Back in the Motherf**kin' House?

I keep telling people I have a cancer blog.

But do I?

I haven't written anything in almost a year. In fact, lately I really haven’t written much, period.

I think I got tired of hearing myself talk. I have spent the last 2 years basically telling my story to anyone who would listen. Don’t get me wrong, I am a fucking Gemini. We love to talk about ourselves. Still, my story felt stale. Why do people still need to hear the same old tamoxifen jokes? The posts about anxiety? We get it, you like taking selfies in your hospital gown at Sloan Kettering.

So I stopped writing. Like altogether. I just needed a break. Time to be with my feelings instead of having to share every passing thought. The caveat to being so open about your journey is that sometimes you are too focused on being this transparent and supportive face in the community, you forget about your own face. The one you have to live with when the laptop is closed and your phone is on the charger. The face that will has to experience all of those feelings that you just shared with the world.

My therapist challenged me, not too long ago on this very topic. I have been carrying so much anger since my cancer diagnosis in 2018. I didn’t understand why. I was doing everything right, after all. Seeing a therapist. Journaling. Leaning on the community and sharing my truths. I should be pretty mellow about this whole thing by now, shouldn’t I?

Wrong.

What we determined is that I was using the community and my transparency as a tool to not really deal with these emotions. Almost as if posting about my feelings meant they were resolved, when really they were just being swept under the rug. All of a sudden, I lifted the rug and there was way too much dirt under there.

So that’s basically where I have been. Spring cleaning. Not just cleaning around the rug, but cleaning under it too.

I have been working on figuring out what my role in this community is, going forward. I still want to serve as a support system, but that will look much different than when I was in active treatment and bitching about my food tasting like chemo.

My day to day has changing during this journey, but I am still dealing with the aftermath every single day. In the meantime, I am going to continue to support the community, while remembering to support myself, first and foremost.

So I am here. I’m back. But in a different way. I am still figuring it out.